[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
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*pronounces patio like ratio
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Can. I. Help. You.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets