(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
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Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow