just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
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Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
The three genders
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Usage Guidelines
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes