Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
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I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
When someone says you are so lazy
any last words?
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never