a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
You Might Also Like
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]