*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
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You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I am crying
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.