Intelligence is the new cleavage
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Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”