Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
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*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.