“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
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I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.