HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
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“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Dolls on drugs
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea