Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
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“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Finally, a door that understands me
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.