*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
You Might Also Like
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”