I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
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I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
A fake ID that makes you younger
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK