@iGreenMonk: Someone just saw me trying to take a picture of myself and now I have a dead body to bury.
@iGreenMonk: Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.
@iGreenMonk: I failed my driver's test. The instructor asked me "What do you do at a red light?
I said "I usually see what people are up to on twitter.
@iGreenMonk: My dog just fell off the bed.
I'm glad I'm not the only one drunk around here.
@iGreenMonk: I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.
But no, she's still alive.
@iGreenMonk: I got a dog and named it "Twenty Miles". This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday.
@iGreenMonk: A boy met a girl
She:Every time u smile, I feel like inviting u to my place
He(smiling):Why thank u.. are u single?
She:No, I'm a dentist