My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
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Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.