Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of iGreenMonk's best tweets

@iGreenMonk : I watch birds sometimes and wonder, "If I could fly, whose car would I crap on?"

@iGreenMonk: Sometimes you just got to listen to your heart, and my heart is like "listen to your stomach".

@iGreenMonk: Once upon a time, a horse & a giraffe met & fell in love.

Going against all the odds, they got married & that's how we have camels.

@iGreenMonk: "Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"

@iGreenMonk: I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.

@iGreenMonk: "Hey. Can I call you back? I'm in a middle of something."

"You said that a week ago."

"Ya. I'm still working on it."

@iGreenMonk: Saw a sign on a truck said, 'Driver carries no money.' I guess he must be married.

@iGreenMonk: Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside.

Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I’m not beating her.

@iGreenMonk: Just waved back at someone at the gym who was waving at the person behind me and now I'm looking for a new gym.

@iGreenMonk: 1)Print out a "WANTED" poster with your face on it.

2)Dress as a cop.

3)Go around asking people if they've seen this person.