@iGreenMonk: "Oh, hey! I didn't even recognize you!" means "I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are."
@iGreenMonk: I watch birds sometimes and wonder, "If I could fly, whose car would I crap on?"
@iGreenMonk: Sometimes you just got to listen to your heart, and my heart is like "listen to your stomach".
@iGreenMonk: Once upon a time, a horse & a giraffe met & fell in love.
Going against all the odds, they got married & that's how we have camels.
@iGreenMonk: "Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
@iGreenMonk: I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.
@iGreenMonk: "Hey. Can I call you back? I'm in a middle of something."
"You said that a week ago."
"Ya. I'm still working on it."
@iGreenMonk: Saw a sign on a truck said, 'Driver carries no money.' I guess he must be married.
@iGreenMonk: Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside.
Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I’m not beating her.