FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
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Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Just this preview of the story is enough
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”