Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
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Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Hello, my name is Pierre.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Basically.