Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
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My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Ummm
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog