Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of iamspacegirl's best tweets

@iamspacegirl : [3 days after technology lets us wear snapchat filters all the time] me: why didn't your eyes turn into hearts when I got home today

@iamspacegirl: vampire: let me bite you

me: no!

vampire: it will be fun

me: *running away*

vampire: wait, stop! my fangs magically change color when I sip through them!

me: *noticeably slowing down*

@iamspacegirl: what if when Dracula's fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

@iamspacegirl: *I open my McDonald's bag and a bunch of dirty pigeons fly out*

Narrator: The McPigeon, new from McDonald's

@iamspacegirl: College Advisor: Well, there are a number of career options available in all of your potential majors, you just have to choose someth-

Me: please i just want to be a small goat on the side of a mountain

@iamspacegirl: the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters

@iamspacegirl: my son kept whispering "perfect sandwich" over and over while he made a sandwich and now he won't even let me try it

@iamspacegirl: The crocodile is the most relatable character in Peter Pan because he really just wants to devour that one specific guy but will also happily eat whatever garbage that guy throws at him.

@iamspacegirl: my 3yo (to an old woman holding a sphinx cat and only a sphinx cat): I really like your bag.