Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of iamspacegirl's best tweets

@iamspacegirl : my 3yo (to an old woman holding a sphinx cat and only a sphinx cat): I really like your bag.

@iamspacegirl: God: The bones will fall out of their mouths as children to teach them that bodies are full of betrayal

Angel: So, new diet not going well?

@iamspacegirl: if chickens exchanged goods and services for a fixed price it would be called chicken tenders have a great day

@iamspacegirl: *standing over your shoulder while you read a book I recommended*
You arent laughing I usually laugh at this part why do you hate it so much

@iamspacegirl: ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST *starts to shuffle them*

@iamspacegirl: [watching our kid play at the park]

ME: awww, he got your anxiety with strangers
HIM: and look, your irrational fear of birds!

[we smile]

@iamspacegirl: Grandpa *pulls coin from my ear*
Me: Pft. Some trick.
Grandpa *shoves coin into my ear, twists my nose, peanuts begin pouring from my face*

@iamspacegirl: My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I'm questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

@iamspacegirl: birds have hollow bones in order to store their weed and spare cash

@iamspacegirl: My son loves lizard facts but he can't quite say 'lizard' so he randomly makes statements like "Wizards protect themselves with camouflage".