“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
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Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.