Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ihateitmunky's best tweets

@ihateitmunky : a professional thief tries to steal my wallet but i'm wearing skinny jeans so his hand just gets stuck in my pocket

@ihateitmunky: [after a mandatory drug test] boss: ok well that’s not it so what the hell is your problem

@ihateitmunky: Coffee dates are my favorite because you can just pour it on yourself as an excuse to leave

@ihateitmunky: Date

Her: OMG my dad keeps texting me he's so annoying

Me: [hoping to impress her] yeah he's a piece of shit

@ihateitmunky: Me: do you want to hear what happened to the last guy who threatened me

Bumper cars operator: i meant your time is up like get off the ride

@ihateitmunky: guy who's about to repair my iPhone screen: may i have your passcode for testing?

Me: ..ya know what i don't even want it fixed

@ihateitmunky: My boss asked me to stop using metaphors when i speak to clients but that's like asking a samurai not to use his sword