Happy Thanksgiving
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Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.