My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
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Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.