[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
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A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
respect
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!