My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
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gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.