Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
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Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.