[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
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Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????