People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
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“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
looks legit
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Me if I was a dog
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
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Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”