*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
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Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.