“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
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Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?