I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
You Might Also Like
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
I think this cat is broken
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!