An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
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Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Me, in DM rooms…
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
My diet starts in January
of 2027
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure