cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
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me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe