Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
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[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
me adding lol on a serious message
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?