Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
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Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO