Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
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date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Sponch