What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
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if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Wikigenius
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha