Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
You Might Also Like
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….