Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
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I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Buck naked
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
The news
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.