They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
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Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?