Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
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Sell your car
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.