Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
You Might Also Like
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Have kids, they said
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.