I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
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[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Bring back the McRib
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
The booster protects against what, now?
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.