Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
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Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.