My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Sooo many times…..
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.