Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
You Might Also Like
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows