Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
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My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.