[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
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The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.