him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
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*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.