After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
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*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.