So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
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Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you