On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
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You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.