My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
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Unimpressed
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!