I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
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My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
this isn’t threatening at all
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.