me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
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You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?