me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
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I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
*offers Batman cough drops*
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Going to church you guys need anything
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.