Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
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Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Seek kebab; not attention
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Going to church you guys need anything
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying